1. Be organised
Agree arrangements with your co-parent as early as possible. Trying to agree arrangements at the last minute will only heighten tensions and cause unnecessary stress. If you are unable to discuss arrangements amicably or are unable to reach agreement, consider methods of non-court dispute resolution such as mediation or arbitration and solicitor led negotiations.
Making an application to court to determine the child arrangements over Christmas should be a last resort. Due to the current pressures on court time, it is unlikely that a last-minute application will be listed for a hearing in good time before Christmas, if at all, so it is all the more important to reach agreement yourselves.
Once an agreement has been reached, it is sensible to record the details in writing (for example, in an email or a letter drafted by your solicitor) so that arrangements are clear to both parents and cannot be reneged on. Parenting apps such as Our Family Wizard can be a useful tool for dealing with such arrangements and sharing the calendar.
2. Be forward-thinking
Avoid stress next year by future-proofing Christmas plans. Can the arrangements you have made this year be replicated next year? Ensure that arrangements are fair to each parent by alternating the set-up each year. However, do be prepared to be flexible. If an element of the arrangements did not run smoothly one year, do change this in the future.
3. Be detail-driven
Think carefully about arrangements and make sure that plans are fair and realistic. Common arrangements include children spending Christmas with one parent and New Year with the other (with the arrangement alternated in future years), or Christmas Day itself being alternated or divided in half. Do consider logistics such as travel and handovers and the effect of these on the children.
Be mindful of how the arrangements will impact across both households. If you are upset by the idea of not spending Christmas Day with the children, your co-parent may well be too. If the children are with you on Christmas Day, arrange a phone call or FaceTime between the children and your co-parent. If appropriate in the circumstances, you might consider helping the children purchase or make a Christmas present for them to give to the other parent.
Be aware of the children’s relationship with their extended families on both sides. Think about the quality time they will spend with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins as well as with your co-parent.
Remember to consider the whole festive period, not just Christmas Day. Time spent in the build-up to Christmas, such as Christmas shopping and other festive activities, can be as important as the day itself.
4. Be coordinated
Continue communicating with your co-parent even after arrangements have been made so that arrangements run as smoothly as possible. Ensure that you do not double up on Christmas activities so that the children do not attend two pantomimes or go ice-skating twice, for example.
Consider the Christmas presents for the children carefully. You can think about setting a budget and/or a limit on presents from each of you to avoid one parent over-spending. Joint gifts might also be an option. For example, one parent could give the child a gaming console and the other could give some games to use with it. If possible, discuss and agree boundaries in advance. If a child is being given a gaming console, agree time limits with which they can play with it each day so that you are aligned. If a child is being given a smart phone, ensure that you agree issues such as whether a parental control app should be installed and, if so, which parent’s name that is in.
5. Be child-focused
Finally, and most importantly, keep the best interests of the children at the forefront of everything you do. Think about what you want the children to remember when they reflect on their childhood Christmases.
Try to avoid involving the children in decision-making around the arrangements and take care to shield them from any hostilities with the co-parent. Once the arrangements have been agreed, be clear with the children what the plans are in advance.
Co-parenting after a separation or divorce can be difficult to navigate but making child-focused arrangements in good time will lessen the possibilities of conflict and allow the children to make enjoyable memories.
For further information, please contact Sarah Williams, Partner and expert children and modern family lawyer in the Family Department or Claire Chesser. Alternatively, telephone on 020 3911 2083.
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