Having recognised, even if your partner does not, that they are suffering from a narcissistic personality disorder, how can you help guide your children through the minefield that you are going through at the same time?
Quite often people with narcissistic personality disorders are very successful or high functioning in some areas of their lives, but can also be very manipulative and demanding, which can feed into their relationship with their children.
There are a number of different ways in which this can manifest itself, but at the heart of narcissism is an over involvement with an individual’s own wants and needs. Children are therefore often not seen as separate people, with their own separate wishes and feelings. This can mean that instead a parent becomes overly reliant on their children for emotional reassurance, with the roles of parent and child being swapped. Sometimes it will mean that they have difficulty empathising with their children, failing to understand or acknowledge their feelings, and instead they may be very demanding and critical, expecting a child to meet high standards, and then finding fault when they do not. Often the parent will feel themselves in competition with their child, and essentially look to suppress the child as a person, so that they do not feel that they are being surpassed.
Clearly this type of behaviour is likely to have a very negative effect on a young child, and may damage their own sense of self-worth. Children of narcissists often struggle with low self-esteem, have trust and intimacy problems, and find it hard to establish healthy relationships and to put in place appropriate boundaries. Children often assume their parents to be perfect, and even without a narcissistic personality disorder present, it can be disheartening to grow up and realise that they are not. What is even harder for children of parents with such disorders is the realisation that they are not going to be capable of change, nor can the child bring about that change, however hard they try to live up to a parent’s expectations.
Unsurprisingly, it is not uncommon for children of parents with narcissistic personally disorders to develop their own psychological distress in their younger or indeed their later life, such as anxiety, depression or post-traumatic stress disorders.
What then, as the other parent, can you do to help, whether your relationship is breaking down or not?
- First, and perhaps the most importantly you need to deal with the other parent in precisely the manner in which you would want your child to – setting boundaries as necessary, and maintaining your dignity and calm in all communications. It can be immensely difficult, but a narcissist will use anything you do or say in anger against them, and you need to model your behaviour for your child to mirror. That is not to say that you should not make a stand if you can see that your child is being abused. Clearly you need to protect your child if there is any physical or psychological bullying, and show them that you will stand up for them.
- Your child may find it very difficult to talk about their relationship with the other parent, and so a ‘safe space’ with external support may need to be explored. A professional therapist or psychiatrist can help them navigate their relationship with the narcissistic parent, without being too close to what is going on. They can help them in establishing and protecting a separate identity and building their self-esteem, but also in understanding that they are not at fault and cannot change their parent.
- It is important to be open with your child. Conversations should be age appropriate and should not actively denigrate the other parent. The focus in conversations should be on helping your child to understand what they are dealing with, listening to their feelings and encouraging them to talk about this, and discussing with them how they can deal with such behaviour, potentially, for example, role playing where they wish to set their boundaries.
- It is worth also flagging issues confidentially with the child’s school or nursery, so that they can approach issues sensitively and sympathetically, and give support as necessary.
- It is always part of our advice where children are involved to document everything, and even if you do not think you will end up in Court, it is sensible to do so. Contemporaneous evidence such a diary, emails, text messages etc., can be helpful evidence at Court, but also so that you can keep an overview and some perspective on what is happening.
You are never going to be able to protect your child for the rest of their life from the effect of having a parent with a narcissistic personality disorder, but by helping them through this, with professional support, and legal support as necessary, you can help to set them on the right path.
I concluded my first article on this subject by saying that it is not always about “winning”. That is even more so in relation to children. All we want for our children is for them to be happy and safe, and the best thing we can do is to give them the tools with which to navigate what life has given them.
For further information, please contact Charlotte Skea-Strachan, Legal Director in the Family Department or, alternatively, telephone on 020 7465 4300.
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